It’s been almost a month now since I’ve written my last blog entry. Many things had happened. Realizations and tough decisions were made. Actually, the situations really were not that complicated. Usually the most common and simple things in life were the hardest to deal with. In movies I’ve seen how sickness either break or strengthen a family. I am grateful that our family was still intact in spite of what had happened to my mom. God still is good. She lives her life one miraculous day at a time. Another thing to be grateful for was my dad. I’ve never seen him weak through all the things that are happening right now. Instead of grumbling or being tired he all the more encouraged us to have faith. It’s not beyond my knowledge that he was the one who was affected the most. He’s a great dad. He stands for our family and acted like a real man. I am so proud of him raising us all well and never left my mother’s side I feel so blessed having him as my dad. Now, I really pray to God that I might find someone like him a partner that always encourage and will never leave me till the end.
A month had passed since I decide to turn back to my feelings and distance myself from the one that I adore. Yet, after a month the closer we had become. I’ve tried a lot of times the whole month to stop myself and not to have any contact with him, but I failed. There were times that I even cried because I really want to get over him because my heart is really throbbing and my emotions were uncontainable. Every morning I get up and say that this day is the day to move on but at the end of the day I still end up talking to him. It’s really tiring and my heart had been in this enormous fight of love and letting go. Sometimes I would just say to myself that I am blessed because many had always wanted to fall in love but never did. Then the next day I would say to myself that I would let this feeling go away because this thing might be a reason for me to self-destruct.
After all the confusion and chaos this month I have learned that the simplest things are the ones that were very hard to believe in and live with every day. Simplest thing in life is love, it’s all about love. Back when I was in grade one and studying in a Christian school memorizing a chapter in the bible is a requirement. Believe it or not I have memorized 1 Corinthians 13 the verse about love. I always carry my big bible everywhere and when I have spare time I glimpse at that verse to memorize it. Thoughtlessly I memorized it and recited it in front of everyone. I felt happy that time because I was the only one who memorized it. Until now, the words were still ringing in my ears of what love really is. Every day I have realizations and I put them all together last week. After a brief moment of realizations, I composed myself and decided to put my love life into order.
First was my family, last week I hit my limit. I felt so tired and alone that time. In my heart I hated my brothers because I feel like they left me behind. Still in the back of my mind I thought that my brothers will really leave me one day and have their own family or their will be instances that they will never be there for me. I grew weary and weak. With God and His mercy someone gave me an apt word that time and rebuked me in my face. I felt ashamed and humbled. Then I saw my dad and I remembered my elder brother who never grew tired and always loyal to our family. All the more I loved my family. I know that time will come that we will have separate lives but still I know that even everyone has left me I can always go home to my family. Love with all its greatness had strengthened the bond of our family.
Him whom I have adored for so long now had been a close friend mine. Just last river night I prayed during the worship and asked God why does this feeling exist. Then in pastor’s sermon my question was answered truly prayer works. God entrust things to us according to our ability to handle things and everything that He gave us must grow or it will be taken away from us. I thought of him that time. Honestly, he is one the people that I don’t want to lose in my life. Maybe God entrusted him to me to help him in this rough time that he is going through and besides he is my friend. God does not only entrust money like in the parable but also people. We are all accountable to the people that God had put in our lives. Abandoning him right now for my own selfish moving on drama isn’t really a wise thing to do. Love isn’t felt just to be ignored and abandoned there must be response to it. I realized that my decision to move away and leave him as he was so selfish. I believe that God will never put him in my life just for me to turn my back on him. In this journey of helping him he may not return my feelings but I know that it will be God that will reward me. I believe in sowing and reaping. I will invest and help him stabilize his relationship with God and he will bear fruit. The truth is as I help him in every way that I could I am the one who was blessed. All the more I am encouraged and refreshed.
Love with all its greatness… Love, it’s all about love… my love life.
God is love.
God with all His greatness… God, it’s all about God. My God life.
This whole thing that had been happening to me is all about my God life. I realized as waves of circumstances crash into my life; love in my life was also shaken. My devotions and prayer was shook and I became weak. In my life the devil strikes the one’s that I love the most to make me feel alone and lost. It is love that sustains me and let me live every day. It is the love for my family that makes me believe for a miracle for my mom each day. It is love that makes me come back to the one I adore and reach my hand to help. It is love that the devil wants me to turn my back on and leave. Now more than ever I learned a great lesson. I will choose love over everything else. I will never turn my back on love.
I will never turn my back on God.
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